It has been 5 months and 10 days since my husband walked out on me.  I still remember that day clearly.  Until this month, I thought that I would never feel good again.  Oh, there were moments of happiness, especially when my feelings were blurred by alcohol and the laughter and companion of my friends.  But, coming home to an empty house would just about kill me.

Then I went to Vietnam to get away and spend my birthday there.  For one reason or another, the whole trip changed me.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I got back home, and this past week, I just woke up feeling happy again.  I never thought it would happen, but here I am trying to hold on to this feeling.

I am scared.  I know feelings are so fickle.  I shouldn’t trust them.  Look where they got me.  Still, it is awesome to know that I CAN be happy; to know that I can feel something good and want to interact with other people like I never thought I would again.

I am stepping out into uncharted territory here.  The introvert is still there, but I have been pushing myself to get out there and try things I don’t really feel comfortable with.

Little things:

• I went walking for hours and hours in Saigon.
• I tried (operative word) to crawl in the tunnels that the Viet Cong used during the Vietnam War.
• I trekked (short route, true) to the crater of a volcano AND swam in the crater lake.
• I talk to people more, even those that I don’t normally talk to.
• I packed my husband’s remaining knick knacks away.
• I went to see a “real” counselor.
• I go out on the weekends (and week days) – as far as the next city!
• I met with college friends, people I have stopped interacting with face to face for a while.

The list goes on and on…

The question in my mind: am I really moving on?  I really hope so.

Thank you, God.

Today, there was this big boxing match on TV, and we had long ago planned on watching it.  It was supposed to be a big deal.  A week ago – we were already facing this separation issue – I brought it up and He said that he had plans.

I ended up watching it alone, and it started out really badly.  Instead of enjoying the fight, all I could think of was Him.  Yesterday, when we said goodbye (for the nth time), he said he was flat broke.  He has a roof above his head for a week, at least, but he said he didn’t have any money to eat or do anything else.  I was (AM) worried sick, but I don’t have anymore to give, plus that really isn’t going to solve anything.

Sitting down on our couch, I could feel his absence so much.  Even now, I know that this is the way things should be for NOW; but that does not stop me from yearning.  That doesn’t stop me from being sad and lonely.  That does not stop me from wanting to be together again.

All this in spite of the fact that he says he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

Here is something that I wrote about 2 months ago…looking back, it could have been a portent.

Do you know how it feels to love someone with everything that you are and not feel the same kind of love back? Do you know how it feels to do everything that you can to please another person and be met with coolness, even irritation? I think that it is just about one of the worst feelings that one can ever experience, and I think that now, I understand the driving force behind some of the greatest writers and artists. The tragedies and dramas that I have read and watched on screen may have seemed too much at that time, but now I have an inkling of the emotions that gave birth to those works of art.

Have you ever found yourself watching a much acclaimed movie about two people who are deeply in love, and then you start crying because of this inexplicably gut wrenching feeling…a feeling that, you suddenly realize, you are crying because these two UNREAL people have found a love that you thought you once had; a love that you are even right now yearning for. To make things worse, that person that you love is sitting right beside you and clueless about the inner turmoil that you’re going through.

Is he clueless indeed? He asks you what’s wrong. You hesitate, but you tell him anyway. It ends up in an argument. You make up a day or so later. Things are just fine. Then the cycle begins once more. The love that you had in the beginning just seems out of reach. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, he just doesn’t respond to you in the same way anymore.

Talking doesn’t do anything. He has an answer for everything, and yet nothing changes. He holds you and yet you don’t feel his love behind it. You mention it, he gets pissed. You start kissing him, in an effort to woo him, he says “You don’t really listen to anything that I say, do you?” A rage builds up inside of you. Like you want to throw something. Hit something. Scream. Anything, just so you can release the pressure that you feel emanating from within; threatening.

Instead of doing those things, you try to talk things through again. “Can’t you see you done pissed me off?”

You know it’s hopeless. Nothing you can do to make things right. It has to come from within him. As for you, you either gotta suck it up and hope for change OR you bide your time till you can walk away without hurting yourself.

Yeah, you and your situation is pathetic. But you don’t have to dwell on that. You can do so much better. You can make the best of your situation till the timing is right, and then you can move on with your life. You deserve so much more, and you know that.

Knowing is one thing.  Living without your husband, the person you love, is something else.  We have been “taking time apart,” “separated,” or whatever you want to call it for about a month now.  It’s not any easier – and the details are worse.